Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

November 29, 2003 Volume I Issue 213

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

America commemorated the fortieth anniversary of the Kennedy assassination in style, the way it handles all such tragedies. The History Channel ran a marathon week of a ten-year old series, "The Men Who Killed Kennedy," which originally aired on the A&E network in the early nineties. To update the History Channel added three new chapters which gave us a host of other possible assassins including Lyndon Johnson, J. Edgar Hoover, John Connelly,(who, by the way, was shot along with Kennedy in Dallas), the Corsican Mafia, Elvis, the gay Teletubbie, O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, and Marv Alpert. Oddly, the only thing missing from this lineup is women. You see, it was the "Men Who Killed Kennedy." No women, or broads as they were called in those days, were ever mentioned in any of the conspiracy theories. Not a single one. You would think that in this day where women have come a long way since 1963, at least one of them would be a suspect. But, apparently they were not in on this one, or if they were, they were so damned clever as to hide their involvement from the chauvinistic men of the 1960s who would never conceive of a woman as having a hand in the business. Of course, 100 years earlier, Mary Serrat was hung as part of the assassination conspirators who caused Abe Lincoln to have a bad time at the theater, but that was a different era.

Some say the sixties began on November 22, 1963, the day the music died for President John F. Kennedy, and ended in August 1974 with the resignation of President Richard M. Nixon. Of course, we know that this is silly because the sixties began on January 1, 1960, etc. What the saying means is that the whole world changed for most of us alive on that day when the presidential limo turned into Dealy Plaza in Dallas. I was a high school student on that fateful day and it is one of those momentous days in each of our personal histories where we all remember exactly what we were doing when that event happened. This type of day is usually associated with the tragic death of some famous person, often an assassination. For example, you often hear people say, "I remember where I was the day John Lennon was shot," or "the day Martin Luther King was shot." You don’t often hear, "I remember what I was doing when Elvis overdosed on his last fried peanut butter and banana sandwich and some drugs." I believe that is because when someone is murdered their life has been unexpectedly cut short and the theory is that they would not have died had someone not killed them whereas, when someone dies of natural causes, even if they are a bit bizarre, it is still a natural death as opposed to the manmade kind that we seem to have no shortage of. Are you as out of breath as I am after reading that long run-on sentence? I had to come up for air twice. I had better invest in some more periods before I ruin my lungs all together. It’s a good thing I don’t smoke or I would never have been able to finish that sentence.

I imagine that the lure of conspiracy theories in the assassination of a world leader is that it is difficult to believe that such a powerful person can be killed so easily by a lone nut yet, sometimes it is as simple as that. I think it was John Kennedy who ironically said that anyone willing to trade his life for the president’s can kill him anytime he chooses. The real trick is in getting away with it. Of course, in this instance, we have been so fed up with lies and misinformation spread by our government and political leaders on so many other occasions that, like the boy who cried wolf before them, it becomes difficult to know when they are telling the truth. If the truth be told, all assassinations by definition must be conspiracies because you can't have an assassination without at least two asses.

I have been following the Kennedy assassination since I first became aware of some of the defects in the Warren Commission Report. I was a college student in the mid sixties and came across a self-published book on the subject by a fellow named Weinberg. He said that no one in America would publish this book so he had to go to England and publish it himself. This is when I first became aware of the so-called magic bullet theory and other inconsistencies in the Warren Report. I later read books by Mark Lane and others and found much of the same evidence that by now, most of us are aware of. Of course, more theories have emerged and more people have taken credit for killing Kennedy, including Sam Giancanna’s brother and son, who wrote a book a few years back stating that Sam and the Chicago mob were the culprits. Since they helped swing the election Kennedy’s way at the behest of Joe Kennedy and with Bobby Kennedy’s meddling in the mob affairs, they felt they were being double crossed. Christian Davide, a prominent member of the Corsican mafia, has also taken some credit as part of a hit team that went to Dallas to do in the president. So it gets confusing after awhile, and difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. Of course, I have a theory that many of these conspiracy theories have been spread by the government itself in one of its usual disinformation programs. What better way to discredit any possibly valid conspiracy theory than to float as many crackpot theories as you can to confuse the public and convince them that one of the government’s own crackpot theories is, in fact, the truth? Later on, The Sleuth will float some equally plausibly deniable crackpot theories of our own. Just remember, you didn’t hear it from me.

I saw a program on Court TV last week that a recent re-enactment of the Kennedy Assassination done by a prominent Washington firm using the Zapruder film as a guide, has "proven" that the so-called magic bullet didn’t have to be magic at all and could have indeed caused all the wounds to Kennedy and Governor Connelly that the Warren Commission alleges, despite the protestations to the contrary by noted forensic pathologist Cyril Wecht. Of course, this study used the famous pathologist Dr. Henry Lee, of the infamous O.J. Simpson trial fame, so how certain can we be of his non-biased conclusions? And, even if these conclusions are correct that the Warren Commission got it right after all, it still doesn’t prove that Lee Harvey Oswald was the shooter. This is the part that has always troubled me.

My training is in psychology so I have examined this thing from a behavioral point of view. Let’s assume for a minute that Lee Harvey was indeed the lone assassin as history would have us believe. There are certain undisputed facts that we must account for. On this assumption, we are asked to believe that Oswald fired his Mannlicher-Carcano( a very poor choice for an assassination, by the way, especially when the scope was off by six degrees and the weapon could not be sighted accurately according to testimony to the Warren Commission by an Army weapons expert) and killed Kennedy from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book depository. He then had the presence of mind to hide rifle in a corner behind some boxes, but left the three spent shell casings behind. First problem, if he was concerned about hiding the rifle, why would he not take an extra second to pick up the shell casings? He then rushed down four flights of stairs where he was seen calmly drinking a coke by a Dallas policemen who swore he encountered Oswald no more than 90 seconds after the shots were fired. Even if it were possible to do all this in 90 seconds and not be out of breath or agitated it is highly unlikely. Then Oswald calmly exited the building and headed home. Did he stay home and lay low? No. He allegedly got a hand gun and left his apartment. Then for some unknown reason, he allegedly shot Dallas Police Officer J.D. Tippet and again calmly and coolly walked away. His next move is what puzzles me. He then went to the Texas movie theater where he avoided paying the fifty cents admission by jumping over the turn style. The ticket taker called the cops who showed up with guns and eventually subdued him and took him into custody. Kind of strange that anyone would logically assume that a person trying to beat paying to get into the movies is a presidential assassin. But what makes no sense to me is if the guy was guilty of calmly killing President Kennedy and Officer Tippet and calmly drinking a coke after running down four flights of stairs without breaking a sweat, why in the world would he then risk exposure by panicking and not paying for a movie ticket? It seems to make no sense to me. A guy that cool after two killings is just not going to all of a sudden crack. All he had to do was wait for the heat to die down a bit and calmly head out of town or wherever he was planning to go after he completed the assassination. It just doesn’t add up for me. If he had stashed that rifle and ran down those stairs and calmly got himself a Coke, then he would have been at least perspiring or a bit agitated and the police officer, who was questioning him would have been suspicious. In fact, the police officer stopped questioning him when one of Oswald’s co-workers vouched for him that he was all right as he was an employee of the School Book Depository. In any case, it would have been a simple thing to question the employees later on to see if Oswald had been there drinking the Coke in the lunchroom before the officer came on the scene looking for the assassin. To my knowledge, no one ever did. So, if we eliminate Oswald as a suspect, who does that leave? I am so glad you asked for now I can reveal for the first time the results of a study commissioned by the Long Island Sleuth Truth Foundation to get to the bottom of the Kennedy assassination. Believe me, we spared no expense bottom feeding for this study. I can assure you of that, as I wrote the check for it. I hope the guy hasn’t deposited it yet, because I am not sure I can cover it before Thursday. So, without further adieu, I want to present to you, my loyal readers, the Long Island Sleuth’s Bullshit Theories of the Kennedy Assassination.

One theory that was based on carefully made-up facts is that the Kennedy assassination was not really an assassination at all. In order to support these theories, one has to adopt modern thinking outside the box practices that didn’t exist in 1963 when we were all in-the-box thinkers. So when we go from Jack-in-the-box theories to Jack outside the bun theories, we come up with an entirely new way of looking at things and maybe, just maybe, we can actually stumble upon the truth. Lucky for you guys I wasn’t too busy and had some time to work on this stuff because I think you will be as amazed as I was when I first uncovered the fact that I could make up such things.

My first theory, which is supported by some facts that have come out in the tabloids recently is that the so-called Kennedy Assassination was really a suicide. Now bear with me for a moment while I explain. Jack Kennedy had premonitions of his death which he expressed to his secretary Evelyn Lincoln, who by the way, was the great grandson of President Abraham Lincoln’s secretary Jack Kennedy. We all have heard those coincidences before, I am sure. Evelyn, who was one of the few women who had not yet had a chance to sleep with the lusty young president, begged the president not to go to Dallas, but he went anyway. Now if you do an exhaustive Google search, as I have apparently done, you will find not one reference to John Kennedy having any psychic powers or making like Miss Cleo prior to this incident. Given the fact that he was despondent over the death of Marilyn Monroe, as he felt in some way responsible for her death, since he had lost the coin toss with his brother Bobby over who was going to call the family hit man to knock off Marilyn when she threatened to go public with the affairs she had with both brothers unless one of them went through with his promise to dump his wife and marry her. Both men had known of the legendary powers of a woman scorned and were taken no chances. Poor Peter Lawford had to clean up the mess and he never got a shot at sleeping with Marilyn though he was promised sloppy thirds by his brothers-in-law. Given Jack’s psychological state over the messy Marilyn business, one can only come to one logical conclusion. He went to Dallas to commit suicide. He hired a hit man, possibly Oswald, to shoot him in the traditional assassination manner so his wife Jackie would get the pension and have health insurance for the rest of her life. He had no idea she would latch on to Aristotle Onassis a few years later and score a much better deal. This, of course, could still be considered a conspiracy with Kennedy being the unindicted coconspirator. I have proof of this somewhere in my basement. I just forgot where it is but as soon as I find it, I will sent it along to you.

If you are not comfortable with that theory, we can come up with some more. For one thing, the person who actually fired the rifle shots that killed Kennedy (which, by the way, was originally identified by the Dallas police as a Mauser and not a Mannlicher-Carcano) was Malcolm "Mac" Wallace who was LBJ’s personal hit man. Wallace was convicted of first degree murder in 1951 when he literally cut to pieces John Douglas Kinser who was sleeping with LBJ’s married sister, Philomena. He got off with a five year suspended sentence due to a kindly well-paid judge and the help of two of Johnson’s finest attorneys, John Cofer and Polk Shelton. Wallace has been implicated in approximately seventeen murders and his fingerprints have been positively identified in the sniper’s nest on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository on November 22, 1963. But, he had a very good excuse because at the time he was cleaning the rifle and it accidentally went off hitting Kennedy and Connelly (who, by the way, may have been the real target as there was a vicious rumor being spread at the time that Governor Connelly was about to bolt the Democratic party and switch to Republican which, in fact, he later did.)

Now we at the Sleuth are an equal opportunity accuser so we will not leave out the ladies as all other conspiracy theorists have done. The first and most obvious suspect in any homicide is the spouse. One cannot rule out Jackie Kennedy as a possible suspect, as distasteful as that might be. Then again, no less distasteful than when Screw magazine ran those nude photos of her. She seemed a bit scrawny to me. In any event, one scenario is that Jackie, tired of Jack’s infidelities and incessant womanizing had enough and, since they were Catholic they could not get a divorce. So there was only one other recourse open to her and that was, "Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon his head." If you are not sure who Maxwell is, carefully reread the last paragraph, O.K. Mac.

Another scenario, which, by the way is Italian for small scenio, indirectly involves Jackie in that she had been crying on Aristotle Onassis’ shoulder for some time about how Jack had so many women and paid so little attention to her except in public. Aristotle, being one of the richest men in the world at the time, comforted Jackie and told her not to worry her pretty little head. He would take care of everything. Apparently, he did. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts is mighty sound advice, if you ask me.

One more equally implausible theory involving a woman scorned has Marilyn Monroe as the culprit. Still upset from being murdered by the Kennedys, with Hoover’s assistance, her ghost set about the task of taking revenge for her wrongful death. First, Frank Sinatra kicked Peter Lawford out of the Rat Pack so the only movie he got to make was the brilliant laugh riot, "Salt and Pepper" with Sammy Davis, Jr. in 1971. It was pretty much downhill from there. Next, she engineered the John Kennedy assassination with some help from her new found heavenly friends. This would explain how the magic bullet defied the laws of physics. Her vengeance was complete in 1968 when she took care of Bobby Kennedy, who had personally overseen her murder, by inhabiting the body of one Sirhan B. Sirhan, and firing the fatal bullets into Bobby in California. That would explain why Sirhan did not even know his own name when being questioned by police and had no recollection of shooting RFK. I mean, how the heck can you forget a name like Sirhan Sirhan? Sounds like a Duran Duran cover band to me. This would also explain the mysterious lady in the polka dot dress seen rushing from the scene of RFK’s assassination and was suspect of having a hand in the business. It was Marilyn in a black wig leaving Sirhan’s body. BTW, just exactly what is a polka dot? Do they have dots named after other dances such as a rumba dot or turkey trot dot? The cha cha dot might be interesting but the monkey dot or mashed potato dot might be too messy. And dots my theory of how Marilyn could have committed these crimes and baffled the police and conspiracy nuts all these years. Pretty good stuff, eh? You can’t get this kind of thing in the National Enquirer although I suspect that in the future, if they are willing to pay me enough, you will.

The last, and in my book, the most plausible theory is that John Kennedy was not the intended target of the assassination, but rather it was Jackie Kennedy. The assassin was just plain fed up with her cutesy hats, her tours of the White House where she did her Marilyn Monroe impressions, and her always showing up the president, who had to make one too many excuses about being the guy who travels with Jackie Kennedy. Unfortunately, he just wasn’t a good shot and the rest is, as they say, history. Or actually, herstory.

Now, I want to make it clear that these are indeed alternative theories of the assassination (or suicide, as the case may be) of John F. Kennedy and are in no way intended to be the only theories that can explain all of the facts. You are free to make up your own. Just one thing though, in case I happen to have accidentally hit the nail on the head here and you don’t hear from me for more than a few days, please come looking for me.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Giving Thanks

I usually reserve this spot for little barbs or one of my new wacky food ideas that I come up with from time to time but this time I would like to use this space to say a special thank you. One of my readers from Shirley, Long Island, two towns over from my home town, Louise Marie Conklin, thought that I was going to be alone for Thanksgiving, which I was as I am still recovering from my recent shoulder surgery, so she kindly invited me to spend the holiday with her and her family. Seeing as how I was going to eat pumpkin out of a can with a nice Spam roast( I don’t think you can say that word in e-mail any more), I graciously accepted. Since I don’t like to show up empty-handed, I baked some of my soon-to-be world-famous Pepperoni Pizza Pickpockets. Just to be on the safe side, I also made a chocolate brownie banana creme strawberry trifle. I figured with all that stuff in there I was bound to hit on something that someone would like.

When I arrived at Louise’s home, she was on the phone with her daughter and son-in-law, Barbara and Mike Ferguson of Virginia Beach, VA. Louise told me that they are my number one fans and they could not wait to talk to me. Not being accustomed to treated like a celebrity, I grabbed the phone out of Louise’s hand and eagerly spoke with Barbara and Mike. I got to tell you, a guy could get used to this kind of thing. We spoke for about fifteen minutes and it was a real treat for me. I always have a ball when I meet my readers or talk to them on the phone. I wish I could meet all of you some day. This was no exception as Barbara and Mike were almost as thrilled as I was. It really made my day to talk to these great people and to know that they enjoy what me and the gang labor to produce. It is the thing that keeps us doing it and I wish I could have shared that moment with CheyAnna and Guard Dog, because they are as much responsible for the success of this little endeavor as I am.

After Louise managed to pry the phone from my hand, I was introduced to her husband, her daughter, granddaughter, and a family friend. I had a great time as they made me feel very welcome in their home and we shared a great meal, some wonderful conversation, and an all around grand time. I do hope they enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. I want to thank them for making what would have been a lonely Thanksgiving so far away from my dear CheyAnna and my family into a beautiful day. To you, Louise, and your wonderful family, I want to say thanks from the bottom of my heart. It will always be remembered.

Letters to the Editor

Re: November Stuffing.

Irv,

Kudos to you and your wonderful staff on the new graphics format !

Steve Eisenberg, Jamesburg, NJ

Don’t think I have ever eaten Kudos. Are they made from corn? In any event, thanks for the wonderful compliment which my staff just lives for since I don’t pay them anything. (Ed.)

Editor’s Note: In the interest of full disclosure and an attempt to steer clear of Eliot Spitzer, Steve is my brother, though we are not, in fact, related.

"If the gods had meant us to vote, they would have given us candidates." -- Jim Hightower

GEM, TX

I see, now you want to blame God for not voting or giving us poor candidates. Well let me quote another famous American, "It’s a poor workman who blames his tools"–Bob Villa, but you can get the new Craftsman handy pincher for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. (-Ed.)

Irv,
I've been meaning to e-mail you to thank you for your kind words after my resounding defeat. The way I look at it, I came in second! Most people don't even finish, (because they don't start). The experience was invigorating and gratifying.

I read your piece that begs the question, "Why don't Americans vote?" I believe that they feel that individually, their one vote doesn't matter anyway. I also believe that there is a selfishness involved. Let someone else do it, I'm too busy, (and my time is just more important than theirs).

I have a question. Has the poor turnout been evaluated by party affiliation? What percentage of Republicans (I said the R word!) voted, Dems, etc? That would be interesting to know. I'll bet that a greater percentage of Republicans voted than Democrats. Democrats tend to stay home on Election Day because they feel that their views and morality are correct, therefore they will win, therefore, no need to make that five minute trip to the polling place.

Hope to hear from you soon.

HUBRIS = I R BUSH

Doug Dittko

Editor’s Note: Fellow Manorvillian Doug Dittko ran for our newly created councilman seat and was "resoundingly" defeated by 77 votes out of nearly 14,000 cast with a poor turnout by his fellow Democrats. He lost to the incumbent, Ed Hennessey, who immediately failed to show for an important budget vote because he "didn’t want to miss his son’s birthday party." He failed to mention that his son is forty-two and has had quite a few birthday parties so far.

You are correct, Doug. Americans are too damned lazy to cast their unimportant vote which won’t count, anyway. Just ask Reggie Seltzer, who beat incumbent congressman, Mike Forbes, in a primary two years ago by only 39, votes whether or not one vote counts. She lost to the Republican, Felix Grucci, in the general election by a much wider margin. It just proves that Democrats are lazier than Republicans when it comes to stuffing ballot boxes. (-Ed.)

Great column!!!!!

Tony Gallagher

Thanks Tony,

A few more and they can hold up my front porch. (-Ed.)

My daughter is in the Girl Scouts. Last Saturday they went around the community collecting food for the church's pantry for them to give out to families in need. I found out that the fella who is in charge of helping those in need has specific requirements. IF you smoke, You have money you're spending on cigarettes, you don't need the food, therefore you get none. If you drink, you have money you're spending on alcohol, you don't need the food, therefore you get none. If you have pets, you have money you are spending on animals you could be spending on food, you don't need the food therefore you get none.

I thought my this is mighty CHRISTIAN of him. I'm certainly proud to be a member of this church. People like this are the ones who give the good Christians a bad name.

Heidi

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

I agree. I think that they are a good example of a horrible warning. Amazing how judgmental some people can be. I suppose if they use condoms, they can afford sex and not to have children so they don't need the food either. (-Ed.)

We do fine the old way or a new way. I don’t think we need any help, Just keep up the good work with your articles , they get better every week. Well most weeks.

Love Kate Demijohn, Shields, MI

Which weeks so I know which ones to skip? I'd hate to think I have been skipping the wrong weeks now. (-Ed.)

There was a dean at FRHS named Mr. Kennedy. When the hallway buzz started that Kennedy had been shot, many of us assumed **he** was the victim.

GB, Long Beach, NY(not the City by the Sea)

No such luck, eh? (-Ed.)

WebMaster's Corner

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

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