Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

September 13, 2003 Volume I Issue 208

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." -- George Carlin

I have read a few articles recently that concern me deeply about the level of security at airports and the "homeland" in general. After 9-11, the government did a great deal of posturing about the need for security, especially at the nation’s airports. Nineteen terrorists hijacked four planes and you all know what the results of that little experiment were. Of course, how can we trust a government that is so steeped in oil that they try to cover up the fact that fifteen of the nineteen were Saudis, even though everyone knows it? It is amazing to me how they black out 28 pages of the report on 9-11 with anything on them that indicates that the Saudi government supported these terrorists and yet we all seem to know what is on these 28 pages. Talk about your open secrets. I have only one question. Why did we go to war with Iraq? I think that we probably should have gone to war with an unnamed country whose leaders have been "naughty" instead if we had any interest at all in punishing the guilty. But, that’s just me.

The articles I have been reading were in recent issues of Newsweek, US News and World Report, and that great American newspaper, Suffolk Life. One such article was devoted to the plight of one Diane Kleeman, a former New York Assistant D.A., who had the misfortune to apply for a job at the U.S. Customs Bureau. Ms. Kleeman was assigned to work investigations at New York’s JFK International Airport, one of the world’s busiest. It seems her misfortunes occurred because of strong anti-Semitism in the bureau as well as anti-feminism. From the get-go, the man who was supposed to train her refused because she was a woman and, "wouldn’t last very long on the job." They gave her a crappy desk in some storage area and made damn sure that she was not going to succeed on her job. They also passed clearly anti-Semitic remarks to her and about her to others. Ironically, I encountered similar situations in my own experiences as a New York State investigator, but none as severe as Ms. Kleeman had to endure. I was warned by the Jewish employees of my division when I first started working that there was an "Irish/St. Johns mafia" in charge of the division and that there was a great deal of anti-Semitism so I should watch my butt. I, of course, being young and naive, did not believe what I was being told. I later found out that there was some truth to the stories. The higher ups were mostly Irish Americans and had all attended St. Johns. The one Italian American that was in with that "mob" was a close friend of the director’s son(who was a supervisor in our division) and had also attended St. John’s University. I, of course, am a Jewish, or Hebraic American, who attended Brooklyn College. Ironically, as a Jew in civil service, I had no rabbis. I always found it fascinating that among the police and civil servants, those that had an "in" with someone in authority who could help their careers always referred to that individual as a "rabbi." While rabbis are indeed Jewish spiritual leaders, akin to priests and ministers, the actual definition of the Hebrew word rabbi is teacher. You see what you can learn from hanging out with me, and I am a guy who knows very little Hebrew, mind you.

The other thing that I have in common with Ms. Kleeman is that I also encountered strong anti-women sentiment in my job. In 1977, I was the Senior Unemployment Insurance(UI) Investigator for Nassau County, NY. I was in charge of 13 investigators, ten of whom were new recruits that I had to train. We were given 80 new investigators that year, many of whom were political appointees as they had good "rabbis," unlike me. We also got our first women investigators in the 22-year history of the unit. I had two in my unit and there was one in the Suffolk County unit which, together with my unit, was responsible for all of Long Island. Our supervisor called my "gals" into his office for a little chat during their first week of work. He tried to persuade them to quit, telling them how hard the work is for a girl and that women would not do well in this job. Ironically, when I was out in the field with this guy, he ogled every babe he could and was openly carrying on an affair with a married claims examiner on one of our offices, who later left her husband and married him. On one case I worked with this guy, we made several field visits back to the complaining employer, though he clearly had no further information to give us. When I questioned why we were going back over and over again for no good reason, he told me that we were going there because the employer had a very sexy secretary. My boss was wasting valuable State time in order to ogle some babe. At the same time he was lecturing me about how we represent the State of New York and that we cannot even have a hint of impropriety about us. Can you spell "hypocrite?"

So the women in my unit were going to have a rough time. I did what I could to smooth it out for them and ran interference when I could, even though it was not yet the law of the land. I just felt it was the right thing and I saw it as no different from any other prejudice. Even worse coming from a sexist pig like my boss. Unfortunately, though he violated a great many laws, including the rights of the people we were investigating, he was tolerated because he was the "hatchet man" for the bosses, as he would do whatever dirty things they needed done. When a new administration came in years later, he was fired. He unsuccessfully sued the State. But, before he was let go, they actually had this guy working for the Professional Conduct Unit, which was in charge of investigating allegations of misconduct by state licensed professionals such as doctors, dentists, and lawyers. Can you believe? That is where he finally got into trouble and they sent him back to us. What goes around sometimes actually does come around.

What concerns me about Ms. Kleeman’s plight, besides the obvious human rights issues, is that she uncovered many troublesome things while at Customs. She broke a case where an airline employee was regularly flying with drug smugglers in order help them get into the airport without passing through Customs. When you get off of an international flight at JFK, you pass through an allegedly "sterile" corridor which leads you directly to the Customs area. There are several doors along this "sterile" corridor that are supposed to be locked. The airline employee, who has a key to these doors, flies on the same flight with the "mule" usually a few seats back from him. When they get off the plane, he uses his key allowing the "mule" to pass right into the airport without ever going through Customs. A case of the mule making a jackass out of our security people. For this service, the airline employee got $1,000 a pop. Not a bad bit of extra income. Ms. Kleeman, with the help of a colleague on the DEA, busted a suspected airline employee. Her supervisor, a man named Flood, told her to falsify her report and not indicate any involvement of the DEA investigator. Customs did not want it in the report that they needed help from the DEA and they did not want it known that this sort of thing was routinely going on under their very noses. Ms. Kleeman refused to commit a felony(filing a false report) but they changed her report anyway.

In another incident, she had just returned home from her shift when she was called back to work. The Customs agents caught two smugglers who were carrying a great deal of cash on them. When she arrived at the scene, she conducted a count of the money and found they were carrying $750,000. A Customs agent was left alone with the money, which is against the rules. No agent is to be left alone with evidence. Later on, when they were arraigning the two suspects, the amount of money was only about $400,000. When she questioned Flood as to what happened to the rest of the money, she was told that the rough count was wrong. She went to the head of her department and was told that the rough count was $488,000 so "No one was going to care about a mere $88,000." I guess those kinds of small potatoes are easy to overlook, but $350,000, well that would be another story all together. One can only wonder at the level of corruption that is permeating among those who are supposed to be protecting us. By the way, the article also noted that many people have keys to these doors in the so-called "sterile corridors" and oftentimes many of the doors aren’t even locked in the first place. I wonder if the smugglers are aware of this. If not, let us hope that they don’t read Newsweek.

To further punish Ms. Kleeman, her boss, Flood, went to the supervisor in charge of auto repairs when she put in a request for repairs on the brakes of her government vehicle. She suspected that they had been tampered with. Flood had previously threatened her elderly mother’s life. He is reputed to have said to her that he knew her mother lived alone and, "A lot can happen to an elderly woman living alone." Flood told the repair supervisor not to authorize any repairs on "the bitch’s car." The man said he could not do that as he had to repair all government vehicles. Flood replied, "We’ll see about that. What are you a Jew lover? Is she spreading her legs for you?" Shocking, isn’t it? This from Federal employees who are sworn to uphold the laws of the land. In my years of State service, I often found that the government is the biggest hypocrite of them all as we had to enforce laws against businesses that the State exempted itself from. Government employees were denied the basic protections of the law that civilian employees were entitled to.

Ms. Kleeman was asked to resign over the money stealing incident. They told her it would go easier for her if she resigned and when she refused, they fired her. They threatened that she would not even collect unemployment benefits. If you are ever given such a threat by your employer, or even a promise that you will collect, do not allow them to intimidate you. Employers have no right to determine who collects unemployment insurance. Only the state unemployment office can make that determination, and if the employer lies, you have a right to a hearing. To further the impression that she was a "bad" employee, the Customs department changed all of Ms. Kleeman’s monthly rating reports to indicate that she did not know the law or her job and was uncooperative and not a "team player."Fortunately for her, she had photocopies of the originals to show that they falsified these reports. She filed complaints up and down the federal bureaucracy and was given the royal runaround. They not only cost her a job, but they have prevented her from working for the past four years by giving out bad references. A check with the previous employer in the DA’s office indicates that she was an excellent employee and the District Attorney had no problems with her work or knowledge of the law. Only the Customs department seems to have found such problems with her.

She has since filed a lawsuit and, until recently, the case merely hinged on her credibility alone, which is subject to question. That is, until another Customs agent came forward to confirm many of her allegations. For her sake and for the sake of the American people, I do hope that she wins her case. She wants reinstatement and back pay, but not to work at Customs, of course. More importantly, she would like to see someone at Customs referred for prosecution for, after all, they are breaking the law. I say amen to that.

Unfortunately for Ms. Kleeman, she has suffered the fate of many whistle blowers. Most of them lose their homes and commit career suicide by trying to do the "right thing." I personally know of a nurse who worked at the county nursing home where my wife was a patient when she died, who blew the whistle on the illegal practice of "double dosing" the patients. In that practice, the nurses, who are supposed to give patients medicines at 10:00 A.M. and again at 2:00 P.M. for example, would give them a double dose at 10:00 so they don’t have to do it again at 2:00. This was going on with the management’s knowledge and blessings. Last I heard, the gal who blew the whistle was fired, lost her husband, and was, at the time, out more than $10,000 in legal expenses. I think we need to do more to protect these heroes who risk their lives and livelihoods in order to do the right thing. We are all taught that we should do what is right and it is time that we as a society started supporting that notion.

When I was a victim of such things on my job, only one supervisor stuck his neck out and stood up for me. And that was because he was leaving the division. My own supervisor knew I was getting railroaded and stood up for me for a while until, of course, his own career was threatened. But isn’t that when you find out what you are really made of? How many of us will risk our own lives to do what is right? It is easy to do the right thing when we are not at risk. When we have something to lose, it becomes much more difficult. I know we would all like to think that we would do the right thing, but even I cannot always be sure I would risk losing something precious to do what is right. We all like to believe that we would have stood up to the Nazis and protected our Jewish friends, but how many stood up to McCarthy when he conducted his communist witch hunts in America in the 1950s? How many are willing to go against a popular war like Vietnam was in the early 1960s? Perhaps we college students didn’t have as much to lose unless, of course, you consider the fact that they would jail us if we resisted the draft. I am sure each and every one of us believes that we would have sent Ilsa Lund off on the plane to Lisbon with Victor Laszlo and shot Major Strasser while running off with Louie to begin a beautiful friendship. Of course, if I had the choice between Claude Rains and Ingrid Bergman, I think I would be taking Portuguese lessons.

So the real question is how secure are our airports and borders? I think the answer is self evident. I worked at JFK in 1968 delivering duty-free liquor and cigarettes to overseas flights. At that time, a new sport was being introduced, skyjacking. As a result, passenger screening was begun at airports. I pointed out at the time, and many times since, that no one was screening the crews and, worse yet, the people who work at the airport. At that time, Allied Maintenance had the contract to clean most of the planes. They had "dumpsters" all over the field with the dirty uniforms in them. Anyone could get on the field in those days and have access to a uniform. No one looks twice at these guys. I always said that they could put bombs, guns, or anything else on the plane and no one would know. Unfortunately, that is still true today. You may recall that after 9-11 the government arrested three terrorists in Detroit that were working for an airline catering company. The companies that service the planes and the airports do their own screening of their employees, if it is done at all. Once on the field, no one ever stops them again or questions them, according to Ms. Kleeman’s colleague who confirms her stories. They are busy screening us and not anyone else who has access to the planes. In addition, while they are x-raying our luggage, the cargo that is being flown on the same plane with passengers is not being screened. Isn’t that just lovely?

According to Suffolk Life, the government is already greatly cutting back the expenditures for airport screening. In our own Islip MacArthur airport, they are cutting back more than 50% of the screeners. They intend to layoff 62 of 118 screeners. (At New York’s JFK International, they are considering cutting more than 400 security jobs.) The man in charge of the screening at Islip claims that this will not affect the security of the passengers one bit. How can that be? He stated that they would make up the shortfall by using part timers, "Hopefully from the laid off full time screeners." I should hope so. I would hate to think that they are going to lay off allegedly trained screeners and then replace them with untrained ones. Of course, I have to question his arithmetic. How can he do the same job with 50% fewer employees unless they had too many to begin with? It seems to me that the government just made a big deal of taking over the screening process and making the screeners federal employees, and now they are laying them off. I suspect that the whole thing is nothing but window dressing to make the public feel more secure in flying again. I don’t know about you, but the more I learn about what is going on at airports, the less secure I feel. I just hope that the terrorists are also affected by the slow economy and have had to cut back a similar number of their own to counter our cutbacks. If not, we could be in some really deep doo doo. As for me, I am waiting for El Al to fly to Florida before I get back on a plane again. Only then will I feel shalom when I fly. They seem to have this stuff down cold.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

This just in...

According to the Sept. 3 issue of Suffolk Life, the proposed security cuts at Islip MacArthur airport have been put on hold, primarily due to the efforts of our politicians, Senators Chuck Schumer, some babe named Hillary Clinton (who I predict will run for president when the others run out of money and the field is narrowed) and Democratic Congressman Steve Israel. When President Bush heard of Israel’s involvement in the issue, he immediately took action, as he wanted to give the impression that he was definitely pro-Israel, especially with a presidential election on the horizon. He never ceases to amaze me.

Meister Book Club Choice

I had the good fortune recently to make some new acquaintances in my travels doing research for my consumer tips articles. OK. I was doing some food shopping when I ran into this couple, but we did spend some quality time discussing the issues of the day and trading war stories, or in my case, antiwar stories.

While trading resumes, I discovered that they have some things that might be of interest to my readers so I thought I would pass them along to you. Diana, obviously the wife, wrote an interesting science fiction book called "A Dog Does Not Bark..." by D.J. Yano.. It takes place in what appears to be the not too distant future where a virus has killed all the animals and we destroyed all of the shopping malls. Already you can see how all clouds have a silver lining but apparently this cloud is only silver plated as we have computerized everything. The title comes from a bible passage that "warns us never to live in a city where a dog does not bark nor a horse neigh." Diana explained that it means that if there are no animals, then there is no humanity either. I have to check out that bible stuff. I wonder if it is available on DVD?

In any event, Diana is truly Sleuth material and you can read some of her first chapter for free and purchase the book at a discount if you like at Xlibris at https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/
bookdisplay.asp?bookid=10906

In addition, Diana and her husband, Greg, have some very interesting collectible stores at

www.Dollsamerica.com
www.Toyz2men.com

www.cinnamondoll.com

They seem to have something for everyone including Barbie, George Bush, and some doll that looks like a hooker that I went to college with. They also told me what my Beatle dolls would be worth today if my mother hadn’t thrown them out. Somebody remind me to get even with her. Any suggestions are welcome.

As you may recall, I do not endorse products or services unless I have some personal knowledge of them and I am never paid or compensated for my recommendations. Dammit!

Letters to the Editor

Re:- Comedy is Easy, Dying is Hard!

Good column, Irvmeister. Well said.

Sheila Moss, TN

Praise from the master is indeed gratifying. (-Ed.)

Editor’s Note: Sheila Moss is the Tennessee Firefly and she is very funny. Her writing ain’t bad either. Check her out at

~Sheila Moss~Humor Columnist~
http://www.humorcolumnist.com

Irv

I really enjoyed your post in the NetWits group on Saturday. As a humor writer, I know that it can be difficult to shift to a serious tone, but you pulled if off rather well.

Are you interested in exchanging links?

Zach Everson

Thanks Zach. I appreciate your kind words. I would love to exchange links but I don’t have any sausages at the moment as I am trying to cut back. Doctor’s orders, you know. (-Ed.)

What’s all this talk I have read about comedy being dead? When did he die? And if he is dead, how come he is still hard?

Emily Latella, NYC

Dear Emily, The title, which is also the title of a book I am working on about the life and death of my late wife Diane, is a play on words from the alleged quote of the great Yiddish stage actor, Thomaschefsky. On his death bed, as legend has it, he was asked by reporters how he felt about dying to which he replied, "Dying is easy, comedy is hard." So you see, I just changed the juxtaposition of the words to suit my subject. I hope that clears it up for you. (-Ed.)

Never mind!

Emily Latella, NYC

Think nothing of it. (-Ed.)

Hey, Irv.

Sorry to be so late in responding, but I’ve been out of town.

I appreciate your tribute to the victims of 9/11, and the fact that you are trying to deal with it in a serious way and by using your own experience with losing a mate. Your article was well-written and obviously from the heart.

I was with you until you indicated that we should let the UN get involved, since the UN is supposed to be a forum where nations can settle their differences without bloodshed. Unfortunately, we aren’t dealing with nations here, we’re dealing with terrorists whose organization spans nations, and with a UN that has proven itself incapable of resolving this situation (though it ostensibly tried for a number of years).

I deplore violence – having "been there, done that in Vietnam," I know what it is and what it does.

Having said that, we are dealing with people who wish us harm and who will do violence to us every chance we get, just because they don’t like our lifestyle, don’t like the fact that we are "infidels" insofar as the fact that we are not an Islamic state, and don’t like the fact that we openly support Israel.

If it was a nation doing this to us, we could have a good old war and solve the issue one way or another.

Unfortunately, it’s not a nation – it’s a group of people who are located in many nations, some of which provide them safe haven, others who don’t know (officially) that they are there, since they haven’t done harm to the folks of that particular nation.

I don’t think these folks will listen to reason.

I’m afraid the only way to deal with them is to treat them like a rabid dog or a poisonous snake – as creatures who are bent on our destruction, and the destruction of our way of life.

That’s probably a gross oversimplification in terms of the attitude to take, but I’m a simple guy (I guess).

Anyway, I certainly agree with you insofar as being sympathetic to the losses suffered by the families of the folks murdered on 9/11, and I hope your shoulder surgery turns out well. Didn’t you recently have knee surgery, also?

I look at that stuff as "out of warranty work." It seems like the human body is good for 50 years or 50,000 miles (whichever comes first) and then the subsystems start to break down.

Have a good weekend, Irv.

Skip Bell

Wow, Skip,

It’s a good thing you that you "deplore violence." I wonder if that applies to these "rabid dogs and venomous snakes?" You are correct that we are not dealing with one country but many, mainly countries like Saudi Arabia that supply the terrorists with money which they get by selling us their oil. If our government really wants to get us out from under these people, then it will spend it’s tremendous resources getting us off the Arab oil teat and help make us truly independent again, instead of enriching Halliburton and Bechtel and Bush and Cheney.

Other than that, we are on the same side and I always appreciate your input, even when we disagree. At least we agreed on that Jayne Mansfield thing, and that is all that is really important. LOL.

Yes, I had a knee operation in April and now I am going for the shoulder on Tuesday. If I make it past that one, we will try for the other shoulder. Thanks for your good wishes, my friend. (-Ed.)

Death Comes in Threes

The world is a lot sadder this week for the loss of three show business personalities.

First we had the death of Warren Zevon, who was a musical original with his witty 1978 hit "Werewolves of London," a tune that describes the antics of werewolves drinking pina coladas at Trader Vic’s. In 1976, he penned the prophetic "I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead." He wrote tunes for many top musical stars and his recent album, "The Wind," one of his most commercially successful recordings, featured such luminaries as Bruce Springsteen, Ry Cooder, Jackson Browne, Don Henley, and Dwight Yoakam. He died peacefully Sunday from terminal cancer at the age of 56. Rest in peace "Excitable Boy."

Next we lost perennial TV star John Ritter, who collapsed on the set of his hit ABC series "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" (which, by the way, is based on the best selling novel of the same name by my fellow Net Wit, Bruce Cameron.) Ritter, who was a few days shy of his 55^th birthday, died from an aortic tear, which is a rare condition that is often fatal. It can be caused by high blood pressure. Ritter was the son of cowboy singer/actor Tex Ritter and best remembered for his current series and in the ground breaking role of Jack Tripper in "Three’s Company." I am a few week’s shy of my 55^th birthday, so I am taking precautions.

The "Man in Black, " music legend Johnny Cash, passed away Friday from complications of diabetes. He was 71. By the way, as a diabetic activist I can tell you that no one ever dies from diabetes but rather, "complications of diabetes." Rather silly, if you ask me, as death is pretty much the worse complication you can get.

Cash, best known for his country music, enjoyed great success as a crossover artist and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as well as the Country Music of Fame and the Songwriters Hall of Fame. Cash struggled for many years with disease, drugs, and alcohol and has been in and out of hospitals for the last few years. Johnny will be remembered as a giant in the industry who helped bring country music into the mainstream and was a gifted songwriter who inspired generations of Nashville music makers.

Renowned for his black outfits and long country preacher’s coat, Cash compiled ten Grammy Awards, including this year’s Best Male Country Vocal Performance, and a recent MTV Video Music Award. He was a cultural icon that will surely be missed.

WebMaster's Corner

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

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