Sleuth 1-192

Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

May 3, 2003 Volume I Issue 192

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

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Commentary

If you have been following my recent exploits, you know that I had an operation on my right knee two weeks ago. It was arthroscopic surgery to repair some torn ligaments and cartilage. This condition stems from some massive injuries I received eight years ago when I had a bad fall into an empty bed frame. Let me give you a picture of the incredible luck that brought me to this scene. I was managing a bedding center for the largest bedding retailer in the Northeast. I won’t mention the name, as it makes me sleepy just to think about it. Hint, hint. Anyway, I was demonstrating a bed. Well not actually demonstrating it, showing it would be the more appropriate word. Besides, the customer was in her late seventies and far too young for me to be doing that sort of thing. Anyway, I was showing this customer a bed. Now we had about 60 beds on the showroom floor including a king-sized brass headboard attached to two twin beds. Every one of our showrooms had this set up to show the customers that a king-sized bed is the same width as two twin beds. It solves the problem of people who have different tastes in bed. She likes it hard, while he prefers it soft. With this kind of arraignment, they can both be satisfied, sort of. Well, maybe not her, but that is a different point all together. Perhaps I should have used the word firm instead of hard, but that is such a misused term in the mattress business. The word firm is an advertising term that is applied to the cheapest mattresses in order to make them appear better than they really are. Don’t really expect the $19 advertised come-on mattress to be as firm as a $300 set. It is the mattress business’ equivalent to the automobile business’ advertising term "loaded."

Now in my sleepy little showroom, I had sixty beds on the floor and this king-sized headboard with the two twins attached, as I said before. The only problem for me on that fateful day in January 1995 was that the twins were now a single act. You see we had two Simmons Beautyrest mattresses attached to the brass headboard. One was firm and one was soft. I used to use these to do my "Goldilocks" demo. I would put the customer on a hard bed, then a soft bed, and sometimes the "just right" bed, to get an idea of the comfort level they were looking for. It was a good technique that I developed which helped me to be successful in this field, which by the way, was not what I was trained for. However, the times were tough and even a Sleuth has to eat once in a while. I applied all the years of psychological and sales training that I had to the mattress business and it was beginning to pay off. But, on this day, the twins were a solo act because one of the sets had been discontinued by the manufacturer. When that happens, we sell the floor model off at a discount, and we then are supposed to replace the missing one with a new set. Of course, the set was sold on my day off and the warehouse was a bit lax in sending the replacement set. So, there it sat, an empty bed frame attached to a king-sized headboard, like a baited mousetrap patiently waiting for an unsuspecting victim to wander along and take the bait. Unfortunately for me, I was the mouse and there was no cheese.

I was standing between the empty bed frame and another one, showing my customer some twin-sized mattresses when I turned around to show her the Simmons offering. Somehow, and to this day I still cannot figure out how, I got my foot caught in the bed frame as I was turning around. Since I am a larger American, anyone familiar with Newton’s laws of motion and the concept of inertia will know that once a body the size of a small planet, such as mine, is in motion, it tends to stay in motion. So it was with me as I was twisting around, (sans the benefit of a Chubby Checker record, I might add) I somehow got caught by this bed frame/ Irvmeister trap and went down like Sonny Liston facing Mohammed Ali. I crashed with all the force that gravity could spare into the bed frame and onto the injury list. I have so far been out for eight seasons and I don’t think they are going to renew my contract.

Since it was a Workers’ Comp. case, (and we pretty much trashed that system two weeks ago) I had to wait more than a year for some diagnostic tests to indicate that I had several herniated disks in my back and neck, and extensive rotator cuff damage to both shoulders, and muscle and nerve damage. The knee injuries would have to incubate for several years before I could get a diagnosis that led me to the surgical suite. I don’t know why they call it a suite, since it is only one room and the only thing sweet in there is the smell of anesthetic. My point here is that of sixty beds to choose from, I had a 59 out of 60 chance of having a soft landing and I had to defy the odds and fall into the one empty bed in the place. Pretty impressive, eh? If only I could be so lucky in the lottery or stock picking. I would be as wealthy as I am injured. I had a great deal of difficulty in picking myself up and maintaining my dignity. In fact, the customer, who was a repeat customer as she was happy with the service I had given her in the past, (Read whatever you want into this. You will anyway so I can’t stop you) offered to help me up. That was very kind of this seventy-four-year-old frail woman, but I declined as I did not want to drag her into this as well.

Over the course of eight years of on and off treatments for my various injuries, my neurologist put in requests for MRIs of my knees which also hurt me, as well as my other injuries. When I finally got some diagnostic tests approved, they only authorized them for my back, neck, and right shoulder. My knees and left shoulder were left out. Finally in 1997, I was given my day in court, though I had several hearings before, and my doctors came to testify. None of the opposing hired guns for the insurance company came to testify, though they all said they were available on the bogus reports they filed. I was granted disability status with the left shoulder and both knees to be given surgery anytime I needed it. In fact, the letter from the insurance company informed my doctor that he was to do this as quickly as possibly and to specifically use Workers’ Comp. approved testing facilities for the diagnostic tests. So I won, or did I? What they did then was to routinely deny my doctor’s requests for MRIs to my knees. Well, to be fair, they really didn’t deny them. They just ignored them for five years. In the meanwhile my knees were starting to bother me more and more.

As a diabetic, I am a big believer in preventive medicine so I naturally wanted to find out what was wrong with my knees so that I could take preventive steps to avoid the damage I eventually got. Why end up with a knee replacement if you can avoid it? I am sort of a medical maven, especially in the realm of diabetes. I became a maven by hands-on experience of thirty years being married to diabetics(not at the same time, mind you, after all, we are Jewish, not Mormons.) In fact, I liked it so much, that I actually caught the disease from one of my wives, and if I find out which one it was, I will make sure she joins the other one in that great clinic in the sky. For those of you who are not Yiddishly correct, I will translate the word maven for you. The gentile equivalent would roughly be the term "know it all" except that the status of maven is usually reserved for a specialty field. For example, if you are a poker maven, then it is acknowledged that you are an expert in the field of poker. My maven degree is strictly restricted to the field of diabetes, though I have minored in a few other diseases. "Know it all" is not quite the right definition because I firmly believe that no one can ever really know it all as the "all" part keeps changing as we increase our knowledge base. Let us just say that I try to keep up with the latest advances in diabetes research and care as I am involved in helping diabetics learn how to control their disease. I really believe the old saw that "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." I will translate that for my European readers, "a gram of prevention is worth a kilo of cure, which on today’s market goes for about 18 Euros.

Finally we forced their hand legally, when my doctor put in a request for surgery, though he had no way of knowing if I actually needed any. If they ignore that one, it automatically gets you a hearing. Of course, we made that request in October and my hearing was speedily scheduled for March. Justice moves "swiftly" at a slow crawl. The insurance company finally decided it was time to do some MRIs on my knees. This was a defensive measure on their part, hoping to show that there was little or nothing wrong with me, even though they acknowledged the injuries to my knees and left shoulder back in 1997 to which the court agreed. How they expected to reverse this ruling or somehow prove that it was not related to my accident was beyond me. It would require the services of a Ben Matlock. In legal terms, this was a matter of res judicata(It had already been adjudicated by the courts.) You see, I did get something from all those years I was a government sleuth. I spent a lot of time in hearings defending my cases, which, by the way, I never lost, thank you very much. Needless to say, the insurance company’s strategy backfired, as my MRI revealed extensive damage to my right knee(which was giving me the most trouble, especially since it went out on me completely just after Christmas forcing me to be bedridden for four days) and some minor damage to the left knee. Further tests indicated arthritis in both knees from the old injuries. Unfortunately for most people, when you get injured, even as a child, eventually the injuries will turn arthritic when you get older. I am no exception to that rule, apparently.

My lawyer informed me that the insurance company could stall my case for another year, especially since they scheduled me for an IME(Independent Medical Exam) two weeks after my hearing, though they had four months to do so. If their doctor disagreed with my need for surgery, (which he ultimately did, by the way, stating that cortisone shots and exercise would do just fine for my condition) they could force another hearing, which could take another year, even though I had been in constant pain for four months already. (For more on the dishonesty involved in these so-called IMEs, read my article "Worker’s Comp. Disabled? in my archives http://www.1-4cav.com/sleuth/1-190.htm ).

Fortunately for me, the judge ruled that the matter was indeed "res judicata" and I was awarded my surgery, physical therapy, and some gel shots for the knees. It took the insurance company several weeks to get the authorization to my doctors and I finally was in the OR on April 17.

I was operated on in one of those outpatient clinics instead of a hospital. I must say, everyone was very nice and treated me well. Except for that one nurse who called me a cry baby as she ripped the hair off a six-inch square section of my arm while removing the tape over my IV needle. CheyAnna promptly told her for saying such a thing and then wiped my tears away. Bless her little pea-picking heart.

Several times they asked me which knee they were operating on. I reiterated the right one, mindful of the fact that in Florida several years ago, a patient went in for a foot amputation and they amputated the wrong one. I asked them if they could mark it with a magic marker or something to make sure they got the right one and they reassured me I had nothing to worry about. Yeah, I am sure the guy in Florida had nothing to worry about either, and neither did the fellow who needed a lung removed and they took out the good one by mistake. One nurse even made a game out of it. She said "It’s the right knee, right?" and I said "Right, I mean correct; it is the right knee." All of a sudden I had the feeling I was in the middle of an old Abbott and Costello routine. Not the kind of thing I wanted to be in so I pointed to my bracelet, which they labeled me with, that clearly stated the right knee is the right knee.

Interestingly enough, when they got into my knee and had a look around, they found additional damage in the form of torn cartilage that did not show up on the X-rays or the MRIs. They repaired that as well and, I might add, no amount of cortisone shots or exercise would repair this type of damage. So be wary of second opinions when they disagree with first opinions. I have always wondered what would I do if I had a doctor tell me I needed surgery as a matter of life and death and then I got a second opinion and the second doctor said there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need surgery. This actually happened to a friend of mine. Naturally you want to believe the second guy, but suppose the first guy is right? Then I would suggest a third and even a fourth opinion to be absolutely certain. It never pays to fool around with matters of life and death. Consider that as important as you would money matters and you will be fine.

I will be starting six weeks of physical therapy this week and begin rebuilding my life. Hopefully, I will be successful. If not, I am sure you will read about, though I may not be the one writing about it.

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Money Watch

Hopefully, many of you took advantage of the free tax filing that we told you about and filed your taxes on line. I used Turbo Tax and was able to file my Federal and State returns absolutely free. It worked out so well, that next year I might use my real name.

Some of you may be waiting for refunds so our top Money Sleuth, Princess CheyAnna, has uncovered a website called, "Where’s My Refund"(not to be confused with anne tatalin’s "Where’s My Pants" mentioned below.) You can check the status of your refund at the new IRS website at www.irs.gov

Taxpayers without web access can get refund information by calling the automated refund service at 1-800-829-4477 or by using the new IRS refund hotline at 1-800-829-1954

Of course, if you don’t have web access, then you probably didn’t get those phone numbers here. It is just one of those trick things we like to throw in once in awhile to confuse you. After all, why should the phone company have all of the fun?

I would like to add that the IRS has a new website for their convenience as well called, "Where’s My Money, Sucker?" With this website they can check on the whereabouts of the check that is "in the mail" that you allegedly sent them for your taxes owed on April 15. After all, they are entitled to the same rights and privileges you are, no?

Letters to the Editor

Re:- I Was Saddam’s Double!

With all you Saddam doubles out of work the unemployment rate over there must really be high---- here's a hint, if you can get a passport you could possibly be a Saddam stunt double in all the movies that are going to be made about this war.

Do you need an agent?

Marta Martin

Yes, I am very much interested in your proposal for representing me. I was contacted by someone named William Morris. Do you know him? Is he reputable? (-Ed.)

Editor’s Note: Marta Martin writes very funny stories in her website, "Where’s My Pants" under her nom de plume, anne tatalin. Check it out, if for no other reason than she has no pants on.

http://www.wheresmypants.net/

Hehe! Excellent.
Tuck

It must have been the Percoset. (-Ed.)

Hi Irv,
Just read Saddam's Double. It was soooo funny. What kind of medicine are you taking that affects your mind to be able to write such a great article? A laugh a day is good medicine and that was my medicine for today. I think that was one of the most humorous ones that you wrote. Everyone has their own sense of humor, that one really cracked me up. ( as if I'm not cracked enough)
Thanks, much.
Hanna P., Kenosha, WI

I am not sure which of the many medicines I take was responsible for that one, but since I don't remember even writing it, it might have been the Percoset. Then again, Zanaflex has been good for a few laughs now and then, when I can stay awake. (-Ed.)

Just a quick comment . . . If you were one of twelve Saddam look-a-likes, does that make you a Saddam twelfth instead of a Saddam double?

Andy

Quick answer. Not sure what number I actually was, since there were some who came before me and some after and some that we never saw again. We were not numbered like Americans, so it is hard to say with any certainty. (-Ed.)

WebMaster's Corner

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

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