sleuth

Serious Humor

THE TRUTH LIESWITHIN

March 22, 2003 Volume I Issue 187

Environmentally friendly since late 1999

Made entirely of recycled bits & words

Get More "Truthful Lies Within" Here:
http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/

Updated weekly...y'all come back!

Commentary

Maybe not according to what is being reported about you. In the past we have done articles concerning your physical health, so today I thought I would do one that may help with your financial health. If you haven’t had a chance to view your credit report, I urge you to do so because what you find out may shock you. Even if you have excellent credit, the kinds of misinformation that may be in your credit report could cost you dearly.

I will use my own report as an example. I have seen my credit reports from all three major credit reporting agencies, Equifax, Experian(formerly TRW), and Trans Union. The first part they seemed to have trouble with is my name. As you know, my name is Irving Eisenberg. Simple enough, no? Apparently not. I have never to my knowledge used any other name yet they have me listed under several other names such as, Irving E. Senberg, Irving Elsenberg, Irving El Senberg, Irving W. Eisenberg, Irving Eisenberry, and Ruby Begonia. OK. I may have once used that last name but it was a fraternity prank. What’s irritating about all of this is that I know where these names came from. All but Irving W. came from the Publisher’s Clearing House. For years, I would get those letters informing me that I have won $11 million and all I had to do was send in the form and order magazine subscriptions. This was before the government put a stop to this kind of advertising campaign. Over time, the intelligent folks at Publisher’s Clearing House managed to bastardize my name into the various forms listed above. Too bad for them, because often I would receive more than one of these letters at a time informing me I made the final cut. Imagine my surprise to learn that I was part of a select few who made the final cut which increased my chances of winning the super prize. Not only that, but I made it under three different names, so that my chances must surely have increased threefold. Despite the fact that I never ordered any of their magazines under one of these false names that they apparently misspelled, they continued sending me these letters, even after they threatened to cut me if I did not order. Not only did they not cut me off, but they apparently sold my names to other people with mailing lists as I began to receive other offers, including credit cards, from other companies under these various names. By the way, the Irving W. Eisenberg is actually part of my late wife, Diane’s name, as she was Diane W. I, unfortunately, could never afford a middle initial, but I was hoping to obtain one as soon as I won that $11 million. I think it makes one look more distinguished and respectable, don’t you?

As if that were not enough false information to try to remove from a credit report, when I moved onto the second line, I had other goodies awaiting me. Now came the matter of my address. I have lived in the same house for more than fifteen years. About 12 years ago, my town changed all of our house numbers so that I went from 232 D to 45 without leaving home. Ironically, the town changed my address but never bothered to change it in their own records so that they still send tax bills to 232 D. I have informed them of their error on many occasions; however, they don’t seem to mind.

OK, that wouldn’t be so bad; however, when I go away for several weeks to visit my folks in Florida or CheyAnna in Michigan, I have this nasty habit of having my mail forwarded so that I don’t miss paying my bills on time. After all, how would it look in my credit report? Alas, I found out. Now not only have they established me with various names I have never used, they managed to also place me at two other addresses that I have never resided at. Besides the old address that was my own, they now have picked up that I also live in Florida and Michigan. Lucky me, I have three summer residences as well as a winter one. I must surely be doing well. Perhaps I actually did win that Publisher’s Clearing House giveaway, after all.

In addition, they were also showing me at the address I once shared with my ex wife, though we have been divorced and apart, for 19 years. As a point of information, if this happens to you, you can write them and indicate that an address they are showing is more than five years old and it will be removed. After all, if the people who are putting this information into your credit report aren’t too swift, don’t count on the ones who are reading it to be rocket scientists either. After all, how the heck does erroneous information from a mass advertising campaign find its way into one’s credit report? Just exactly where are they hunting for information about you?

The last item of personal information that they have often screwed up is my date of birth. Oftentimes they have my late wife’s date of birth as mine, even though she died nearly eight years ago. Lucky for me we were born only eight weeks apart so that they didn’t make me out to be too much older than I actually am. It has taken me nearly two years and several letters and threats to get this information straightened out to the point where it is almost accurate, or at least, close enough. I mean, after all, I must appear to be some great deadbeat with multiple names and addresses to a prospective creditor.

Once we get past the erroneous personal information, then comes the fun part. Trying to decipher the codes to figure out exactly what the heck they are reporting about you. When I got through all of that, I found out that they are reporting me for accounts I never had, including three more mortgages than I actually have. The loans must be on those other residences that I don’t own and have never lived in. Actually, I figured out that the three mortgages that weren’t mine were actually my ex wife’s. She only had one mortgage but her bank had been sold twice, so it was reported under all three bank names. I had a devil of a time getting that off of my report and managed to get it completely off of all but one credit bureau’s report. The last holdout has removed two of the offending accounts but stubbornly clings to one of them, despite the fact that it is, in fact, the same mortgage with the same account number. I am about to go medieval on them.

After many letters back and forth, I have gotten most of the erroneous information removed from my credit reports with the exception of one account that they insist is mine. This one is a real beauty. It is from Citibank and it claims that I opened the account in 2/98 and took out various amounts from zero to $4,000, before closing it in 1/98. I hope you Sleuths out there were paying attention, because you see, I am such an amazing wizard that I managed to open an account, take out a bunch of money and then go back in time and close it before I actually opened it. Though I have pointed out this rather simple error to the good folks at the credit bureau, it continually falls on deaf and dumb ears. I even complained to the Federal Trade Commission, which has oversight on the credit bureaus and is obliged to act under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. Apparently they are resorting to the regulator’s all-purpose inaction excuse clause of "Don’t hold your breath," as they have never favored me with a reply. When I did get hold of an FTC person on a matter regarding a company that refused to honor its warranty, they told me that they will register my complaint and that, if they get enough of them, they will look into the matter. Fat lot of good it did me, as the company went out of business. If ever there was an excuse for impotence, they have them all. My only recourse now is to write to the creditor and try to find someone there who can see the error of their ways. I don’t stand much of a chance, do I?

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "That is all well and good, Irvmeister, but how does it concern me?" I am so glad you asked because I will lay it on you. In this day and age of information technology, more and more companies and businesses are accessing this data in order to make decisions about you, even seemingly unrelated businesses. For example, being a good consumer and a follower of Consumer Reports, I like to check my auto insurance when it comes up for renewal to make sure I am getting the best deal my money can buy. You would be surprised how much your rates can vary from different insurers and even the same insurer at different times. I have gotten quotes that have been more than double what I am currently paying. I am a good driver with no tickets or accidents in more than ten years and no claims either. Just what they like, a guy who pays them and asks nothing in return. Yet, some of these so-called discount brokerages have offered me outrageous rates. While you are talking to them on the phone getting a quote, they are busy at their keyboards gaining instant access to your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles to check your driving record, and your credit report. What does one’s credit have to do with one’s driving record? According to me and Consumer Reports, nothing. However, some graduate student must have done a thesis comparing the two and found a correlation between them and the insurance industry managed to adopt it as policy. Now I have had less than perfect credit in the past, due primarily to my wife’s long periods of hospitalization and the insurance company’s glacial speed and delaying payments to the providers, but it has never affected my ability to drive a car. Yet, including credit information in the rating criteria is now becoming a standard practice affecting what rates you will be offered. I could understand them doing that if they were advancing me insurance or credit of some sort; however, auto insurance is paid up front and if you miss a payment, they cancel you within thirty days, so they are not on the hook here for anything.

Now, here is where the erroneous information comes into play. The auto insurers now employ a company called Check Point, to check up on you when you seek a quote. In other words, you are shopping around, being a good consumer, looking for the best deal, and they are snooping into your files, behind your back, and often without your knowledge and permission. When you apply for a loan, you expect and accept that sort of thing, but not when you are shopping or responding to an ad or an unsolicited offer from the GEICO gecko. Last year, I called a company that I had gotten quotes from in the past, and they started asking me about other drivers in my household. Since I live alone, I thought that would be a fairly straight forward deal. Of course, I was wrong. They wanted to know who Fara and Elana are? They happen to be my two grown daughters, who live with their mother fifteen miles away and have never lived in my house or spent more than two days in a row there. Yet they are turning up on my credit report as residing in my house. The next question was "Who is Jimmy Eisenberg?" to which I smartly replied, "I give up, who is he?" I quickly found out that these people lack a sense of humor. I have never heard of this Jimmy character and no one in my family was ever named Jimmy. Except there was an uncle Jimmy, whose real name was Isidore or something like that, who died more than 25 years ago, on my grandmother’s side of the family. I think he was 92 when he died so it is unlikely they would still have a driving record on him. Nonetheless, they think I am harboring a fugitive driver named Jimmy. After some fancy talking, I managed to convince them that these people don’t live in my house when they asked me, "Who is Max?" I replied, with no humor this time, "Max is my father." "And how long has he lived with you?"

"Never, he has lived in Florida for more than ten years," was my honest reply. She said, "Well, maybe when he lived in New York, he might have had his license registered at your house at one time." "Highly unlikely," I said, "since he moved to Philadelphia in 1980 and has not lived in New York since that time. My house was built in 1987, so he could never have been registered here." Though that is the truth and should have put an end to the matter, they were not satisfied. They wanted my father’s Florida driver’s license number so they could check for themselves. I wondered why they took my word for the other people on their list and not this one, but I wasn’t looking to complicate this process even further. After all, I was just trying to get a price quote. I could only imagine what the application process would be like, but I knew that I had better cooperate because if they have this false information, then every auto insurance company that ever existed must surely have it as well. I called my father and obtained the requested information and passed it onto the insurer. It was a good thing for me that my father still drove, for if he did not, I don’t know how I would prove that he doesn’t live here. Fortunately, the people at Check Point were very nice and they removed the erroneous information at my request and without any further hassle. They sent me a copy of the corrected report to show that the false information had been removed.

I think this came about, as my mom and dad came up to stay with me for a few weeks when my wife died, and my dad committed the same exact same sin that I have committed. He had his mail forwarded to my house. I am sure that was it because from time to time, I get offers in the mail for him at my address. So check your credit reports carefully and make sure the information is accurate because you never know how a simple innocent act can come back and bite you on the butt. Trust me. My butt has the teeth marks to prove it.

To Order a Report or Report Credit Fraud
http://www.bankrate.com/dls/green/cc/crdt2e.asp

Correcting Mistakes on Your Credit Report
http://www.bankrate.com/dls/green/cc/crdt2d.asp

And THAT, was my two-cents plain!

Irvmeister

the artist formerly known as

Meisterzingers

Quelle Croc Du Merde!

As Marge Simpson would say, "Pardon my French," or as the new Orwellians in Washington would rephrase it, "Pardon my Freedom." It seems that those "patriots" in the Congress have decided to rename some foods served in the Capital cafeteria that contains the word French in them so that French fries are now called Freedom fries and French toast has morphed into Freedom toast. As Guard Dog’s former CO in Vietnam and fellow Sleuth, Skip Bell, recently quipped, "How far will it go? Will we be Freedom kissing which will, hopefully, lead to the use of Freedom ticklers?" I can’t say for sure but I do worry about the good folks who make French’s mustard products. And what about that funny actor from "Third Rock from the Sun," French Stewart? Freedom Stewart just doesn’t cut the Freedom mustard for this Sleuth. I don’t know how erotic Freedom postcards would be either. Doesn’t have quite the same connotation for me.

I think that this is, at the very least, a bit of over reacting. After all the French did help us out during our little skirmish with England. Did we forget Lafayette so soon? As veterans of the cold war and the Cuban missile crisis when we had a real enemy that threatened our way of life and kept us on the brink of nuclear war for more than forty years, did we rush to rename Russian dressing, Russian rye, Russian caviar, and Russian roulette? Surely we must have hated the Russians, yet we never felt the need to rename their foods and games. Righteous roulette doesn’t quite cut the fromage for me either.

Why stop with the French? After all, the Italians and Germans and many other Europeans, including many of the English, are also protesting this war. Perhaps English muffins can be renamed to Enlightened muffins, Italian spaghetti and meatballs would become Iraqi Victory pasta, and German chocolate cake could become Georgian chocolate cake named after one of our presidents. If the Swiss decide to abandon their so-called neutrality, I don’t know what we will call their army knives, cheese, and bank accounts. Perhaps Soldier cheese would be the new nom du jour. If this keeps up, I imagine I would have to abandon eating many things because I won’t know what to call them.

Perhaps this is an example of newspeak. Or not! As for me, I am going to Starbuck’s and have me some nice Freedom roast coffee with a hot buttered Freedom croissant. Et vous?

If you can’t join ‘em, lick ‘em.

France and Germany have recently announced that they would once again be combining countries in order to counter the war with Iraq which they feel is being propagated by the Zionists of Israel. A new government has been formed along with a new political party, The National Anti Zionists Internationale, or NAZI party for short. In order to commemorate this new union, the French have brought a new whine to the party. "Nah, nah, nah, nah. We’re not going to war."

The Germans have reserved comment about their new alliance but have hinted that the French will play some minor role in the running of things. They will probably be allowed to continue running the cheese industry.

The official Long Island Sleuth Cup Holder now available.

FREE

Note: this one is for PC users; the MAC Cup Holder not yet available.

Cup Holder: Here

Letters to the Editor

Re:- The Best Imaginary Diet Ever!

Please don't ever drop by when Cat has planned a
"Toast It on The Grill" afternoon for the relatives.
You won't have to imagine anything . . . hehe
Tuck

It’s that good, eh? I wasn’t planning to drop by, but if she is that good a cook, I may have to alter my itinerary. (-Ed.)

You may be on to something here, Pal. LOL!

pyle

I imagined I was. But then again, maybe I’m not. Time will tell. After what happened to the rats, I am not so sure I want to find out. (-Ed.)

Hi Irv,
Glad I'm not a rat! I like your diet idea. Reminds me of my youth. Chicken soup and an enema cured all ills. Don't know if it will work for me, however it is a good idea.
Hanna, Kenosha, WI

Like Jewish chicken soup and an enema, it couldn't hurt. It must be the ultimate cure-all as it goes right to the heart of the problem, unless of course, it is administered in the wrong end. (-Ed.)

According to the reference you gave for the Yiddish, you misspelt Drek.

Andy, UK

What do they know? I was using the American spelling. Besides you misspelled misspelt. So, call me pisher.

(-Ed.)

Editor's Note for subscribers. If you change your e-mail address, please let us know so that we can continue to send your weekly Sleuth to you without interruption. But if you forget, you can always use a search engine to look for "Long Island Sleuth" or "Irvmeister" and you will get our web page address. The subscribe address is on the bottom of each page.

WebMaster's Corner

Happy Birthday, Patty

YO' Dad

Regardless of your position on the war:

Please

Get More "Truthful Lies Within" Here:
http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/

A proud member of the Net Wits, well not too proud because I joined anyway since the dues were cheap.

To subscribe to the "Sleuth," (it's free!) please contact Irv Eisenberg at: Irvmeister@yahoo.com