THE TRUTH
LIESWITHIN
February 1,
2003
Volume I Issue 180
Environmentally friendly since late
1999
Made entirely of recycled bits &
words
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Commentary
Whenever
I go to an airport, I am always amazed at the high level of technology that is employed in a modern airport men’s room. For the
last decade or so, many airports have equipped their men’s rooms with the latest gee
whiz flushing technology. I am talking about the infrared flusher. You know, that little light device on the urinals and bowls that flushes
the toilet automatically when you are done. I could not help but wonder if the best
use for technology that we could come up with was to have a device to do a menial task because we are
too damned lazy to flush the toilet ourselves. I can only presume that these devices
are in ladies’ rooms as well, as I have never been in
one. Well, except for that one incident in 1974.
If
this were a movie or TV show, this would be the point
where the clever flashback device would take us back
to the mid 1970s. That not being the case, you will have
to rely on your imagination to zoom you back to that
time. I had just started working for New York State as an investigator(wherein
I earned my Sleuth credentials). We were working in the World Trade Center at that time. Since the
buildings were virtually unrentable then, the State had
moved most of its New York City offices to the first 80
floors of Two World Trade Center. During my first week
on the job, I had gone to lunch at the employee’s cafeteria
on the 44th floor Sky Lobby. Though the exterior
construction of the WTC was completed, the interior was
still being built, so there were construction crews and
debris very much in evidence. After lunch, I had to use
the facilities, as it were, and headed down the escalator
to the 43rd floor, where they were located.
I was new in the building, and a bit lost, when I spotted
a familiar sign that read MEN. There were ladders and
other construction material strewn about, but the door
was accessible and access it I did.
From the minute I
entered the rather large chamber, I had an uneasy
feeling that something was amiss. My first clue was that
the
walls were done in pink tiles. I thought this a bit
unusual for a Men’s room, but I paid it no mind. The second hint
that something was not kosher was that I didn’t see any
urinals. It is customary when one enters a large public
men’s room to see a line of urinals. Again, I was in
the most modern and tallest building in the world( at
the time) so I thought to myself, "Well, maybe they
decided they didn’t need them for some esthetic reason." It
is funny how the cognitive dissonance of your mind will
try to make the pieces of the puzzle fit even when they
clearly do not belong together. I was new to the Sleuth
world, so I had not yet learned to pay proper attention
to the clues and my observations.
As I approached the
wall of stalls, I spied the most unusual piece
of equipment to date. On the wall, in plain sight,
there was a Kotex
machine. A vending machine for tampons. Now,
I thought to myself that this surely was an odd device
to place
in a men’s room. Again the old cognitive dissonance was
kicking in as the mind raced to rationalize this latest
bit of information and to make it fit the puzzle. I thought, "Well,
maybe they put it there in case a guy needed to get some
for his woman." Can you imagine anyone coming
up with such a stupid conclusion as that? Neither
can I,
but yet, I somehow managed to do just that.
Then,
in a flash, it began to dawn on me. The clues
were overwhelming
and I could no longer deny the evidence. Like
a movie where the clues would be flashing before
your eyes,
they started flashing before mine. No urinals...
pink walls...
Kotex machine... Could it be? Could I possibly
be in a ladies’ room? But then my
mind flashed on the very large sign in front
that
clearly said "MEN." As
I had made up my mind to go out and double
check the one piece of evidence that would
clearly
put me in the
right place, I spotted "it." The
unmistakable clue that I had better high-
tail it out of there pronto.
As I was about to turn around and leave,
my eyes zeroed in on a pair of high heels
under
the last
stall.
Now
men may have been wearing platform shoes
in the 70s, but they were not wearing
stilettos; of
that I was
certain. I got the hell out of there
as fast as I could and prayed
that I would not meet one of "them" coming
in. Luckily, no one saw me and as I exited
the forbidden territory,
I
saw what the problem was. There was a very large plank
of wood leaning against the wall where the MEN sign was.
It was positioned in such a way as to cover the rest
of the sign. You know, the part that carried the important
information, the letters W-O. So the sign actually read
WOMEN. I was lucky that it was not a busy time and I
wasn’t caught and arrested for being a pervert. I am
sure that there was some construction worker somewhere
in that huge building having a great laugh at my expense.
Meanwhile,
back at the infrared flushers, my staff of intrepid sleuths
has uncovered a more sinister purpose for these seemingly
innocuous and innocent devices. It seems that the idea
of high-tech airport security is older than we think,
for built into these so-called flushing devices is a
sensor system. It can detect the elemental contents of
urine. Attached to a powerful mainframe computer, these
devices will analyze the contents of the urine stream
and feces to determine what the subject ate and drank
within the last twenty four hours.
Based
on a careful analysis of the data, this device can
tell the spice
makeup of the food that the person ate. Since Middle
Eastern cuisine contains large amounts of cumin,
garlic, and oregano, those are the primary ingredients
that
it is looking for. While it is true that these things
can
also be found in Mexican and Italian cuisines, the
proportions are different. Once the sensor picks up
on a suspected
person who dined on cous cous, humus, falafel, shashlick,
or one of a dozen other Middle Eastern dishes, it
sprays an infrared marker on the victim’s pants. He thinks
that he peed himself, but in reality, he has been marked
for
further investigation. The security personnel are
alerted and, with the aid of special viewers, they will
check
the crotches of the men as they leave the bathroom
and when they locate the suspected individual, they tail
him until they determine that he is or is not a threat.
Very
neat stuff, don’t you think? Of course, if the public
were aware of it, they would be screaming profiling.
And they would be right. The really scary part is that
we now have the technology to link this system to an
identification program and we will be able to match the
person’s DNA to his profile. And you used to think they
only used urine to test for pregnancy or diabetes. If
you think this is scary, maybe you have noticed that
these devices are cropping up in public bathrooms all
over. I was in a new Wal-Mart yesterday and these things
were in their bathrooms. Since I had eaten some Mexican
food the night before, I decided to hold it in until
I got home. You can’t be too careful these days.
Another
new bathroom device you may have seen is the automatic
seat cover device. You push a button on the back of the
toilet seat and a plastic Saran Wrap type of covering
is advanced over the seat to allegedly make it sanitary.
This replaces those tissue paper covers that are prevalent
in many public bathrooms. But where does the old cover
go? Back into the machine where microscopic ass-scrapings
are analyzed for DNA from tissue samples. Your friendly
public restroom has become a virtual government laboratory.
Privacy has literally gone out the window.
God
only knows where this will all lead to. From now on,
when you walk
into a public rest room and you see something new
or unusual... beware, my friend. I don’t know about you,
but if I ever go into a clean restroom in a gas station,
I am going back outside and look for some hubcaps
to pee on. Unless, of course, they are looking back at
me.
And THAT, was my two-cents plain!
Irvmeister
The
artist formerly known as
Meisterzingers
In
order to solve the dilemma that many overweight people
have with so-called "All You Can Eat" buffets,
Weight Watchers has come up with a new idea to help its
customers deal with the problem. They are opening a chain
of restaurants and will make eating in them mandatory
for all Weight Watchers clients until they reach their
goal weight. It promises to do for buffet-style restaurants,
what Priceline.com did for airline tickets in its reverse
auction model.
The
idea is simple. The restaurant will serve only one dish
on that day, but the price will vary according to how
much money the customer has on his person when he enters
the restaurant. They are calling this new idea the "All
You Can Pay Buffet." Look for one in a mall near
you soon. Bon appetite!
In this week’s article we have hidden a secret
message. If you are so inclined and not too busy, see
if you can figure out what it is and let me know. Hint:
It relates to an important day for one of our staff members.
New
Law Impacts Internet Users.
This
week the president signed into law the President’s Unsubscribe
Zero Tolerance Act(P.U.T.Z.)which authorizes the Homeland
Security Department to put under surveillance Internet
users who unsubscribe from Internet newsletters. Sighting
the longstanding American traditions regarding junk mail
and its Internet cousin, spam, the president iterated
that, "These hardworking Internet authors deserve
our support during these times of crisis and it is unthinkable
that anyone would dare to unsubscribe from their sites
after having committed to them. We want those viscous
unsubscribers out there to know that we are on to them
and we are coming to get them. America will have zero
tolerance for this type of antipatriotic behavior."
We
at the Sleuth are appalled that such a law has been passed
and we will fight it with all of the resources available
to us. Of course, being a free and nonprofit publication,
we have precious little resources available for such
things, but we do have plenty of rhetoric and we intend
to use it all up on this important issue. We urge you
to do your part as well.
We
have uncovered a loophole that will allow you to get
rid of unwanted e-mail and still stay under the government’s
radar. Rather than unsubscribe and risk Big Brother watching
you, merely delete the unwanted stuff from your mailbox.
So far, they haven’t got the technology to check on whether
or not you actually read what you subscribe to, though
they are working on that as well. The minute they perfect
that you will read about here, unless of course, you
deleted this before you read it.
Congress
is working on their own broader version of the new law.
While congress is playing with its P.U.T.Z., the president
is already planning to expand his. Al Gore may claim
to be the inventor of the information superhighway, but
George Bush will forever be remembered as the father
of the P.U.T.Z.
One
more note, as mentioned in the above article. Be careful
where you pee.
Letters to the Editor
Re:- I’ve Got War Stuck in
My C.R.A.W.
Thanks,
Irv. At least I now feel like I'm not totally alone,
and that someone is both listening and thinking. I've
worked, at various times in my life, for companies that
design or test the nasty sh*t that the politicians refer
to as 'means of national defense'. I truly understand
what the world would be like after a real WW3, and I
don't want to live there.
Can
you imagine being a 'survivor' in a world where the highest
temperature at the equator is sub-zero, a world where
no one for generations will see the sun, or the stars?
And remember, the first nuke will be detonated above
the ionosphere, so the blast will spiral down trillions
of electrons, that will permanently destroy every electric/electronic
device ever made, even most vacuum-tube radios. I don't
think
so . . .
Please
register me, Cat, and Daniel as members and hopeful contributors
to C.R.A.W. We may not have the writing skills you have,
but we'll always do our best.
Thanks,
Tuck&Cat
Thanks
Tuck and Cat,
You are the first members. As the song Where Have All the Flowers Gone goes, "When will they ever learn?"
I agree with you and hope that some sanity still prevails before we have to see
Charleton Heston on the beach with what is left of the Statue of Liberty shouting "Damn
you all to hell." Now THAT is a chilling sight. (-Ed.)
Very
funny, Irv. Remember the old Seinfeld American Express
commercial wherein he bombed with his US routine but
after a day in the pubs, he left the English crowd rolling
in the aisles?
Maybe
we could just take a cue from the 60s and spike their
water supply with some 'ludes to just mellow everyone
out.
Lynette
That'll
work. You wouldn't happen to know where we get our hands
on a sufficient supply, would you? (-Ed.)
Works
for me!
gem,
nominating iRv as National Security Advisor
Yeah,
that'll be the day. Thanks, GEM. (-Ed.)
The
upcoming war with Iraq is going to be like . . .
Are you using your psychic powers and saying we WILL go to war with Iraq? Are
you close personal friends with Miss Cleo or something and have some insider
information you are trading in order to make a statement such as that? Better
watch out. They may just
put you in with you-know-who ..*
No!
If I were psychic, I would know who "you know who" is.
(-Ed.)
Dear Irv,
Your
description of the bully trying to pound you reminded
me of when I was in the 5th grade. I was very much like
you, just did what I could to keep alive. We lived in
a not so good part of Kansas City, Missouri and the school
I went to was not the greatest. Mostly very poor kids
who had bad home situations.
I
pretty much was able to be friends with or at least not
be enemies with everyone. One afternoon in class a girl
that I considered a friend passed a note to me telling
me to meet her on the playground after school, she was
going to beat me up!
While
I was reading this note, I wondered what kind of fool
she thought I was to just go out there to get beat to
a pulp! This girl was three times my size! If she had
sat on my chest, I would have been dead immediately!
I
did the only thing that I figured could be done. As soon
as the last bell rang, I RAN ALL THE WAY HOME! I knew
that there was no way in the world that she could catch
me.
I
never did find out what prompted that desire in her to
fight me, and the next day she acted like nothing ever
happened! Who knows the mind of a 10-year-old?
Thanks
SO much for your e-zine. I love it.
Marleen!!
I
agree with you. Lucky for us nonviolent types that bullies
are not always too sharp. It seems you made the right
decision. (-Ed.)
I'm
with you, Irv. And good night, Julius Zaretsky, wherever
you are.
Marta Martin
Thanks
Marta,
Maybe
together we can fulfill the Net Wits motto and accomplish
even less.
(-Ed.)
For those of you who celebrate Chinese New Year
Gung
Hoi Fat Choy
And for you ground hog lovers(I prefer hog steak
myself)
Happy Ground
Hog Day!
Happy
Birthday,
Cheyanna
Editor's
Note for subscribers. If you change your e-mail address,
please let us know so that we
can continue to send your weekly Sleuth to you without interruption.
But if you forget, you can always use a search engine to
look for "Long Island Sleuth" or "Irvmeister" and
you will get our web page address. The subscribe address
is on the bottom of each page.
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More "Truthful Lies Within" Here:
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proud member of the Net
Wits, well not too proud because I joined anyway since
the dues were cheap.
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February 1, 2003 Meister Enterprises All
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